good sigh, bad sigh.

I had a great weekend. I had some good wine, way too much good beer, and a headache in the morning. ;) I jumped around and acted crazy with Lyssa and Amy, and did some head banging, which probably mixed with the beer was a cause of the morning headache. I met some new friends, and just had a pretty great time. I love good music with good friends.

Hoooowever, it completely knocked me off of my "21 days is all it takes" plan. And now, I'm back to driving myself crazy. My friends told me the first week would be the hardest of the plan, and I made it through the first two, then I fell off the wagon. I guess that means I have to start over, but I haven't decided if I'm going to or not yet.



Oh well. 'Tis the season to be jolly, so I should.

I have an amazing family. A really amazing family, who I know loves me and supports me, and will always be there for me. However, when it comes to my family, they are all basically RIGHT here. I live seriously within a half hour radius of almost all of my close family. My parents, my grandparents, aunts, uncles...they all stayed right here in this small little town, even the ones who moved, came back here to raise their families. I know that's a really wonderful thing, however, I sometimes wish they could be more open and willing to the idea of letting me go off and live MY dreams. For the past six years, I've known that I want to be in Nashville. However, when it came time to pick a college, RSU, a little campus, about 25 miles from me, was the "obvious" choice, for my parents. I don't regret it, in the fact that it is MUCH cheaper, like thousands upon thousands of dollars cheaper than the out of state tuition to attend a university in Tennessee. However, I hate it too...because I feel like I am missing out on a A LOT of things. I want to be in these classes my friends talk about, I want to have the opportunity to meet label executives, and be in the company of people who really understand the way I feel about music. I still have three semesters left...a year and a half...I feel like this year and a half is going to stretch into what seems like ten years. I just hate it. I guess I am probably being selfish, but I'm sometimes scared that I am missing out on my dreams.

I think things seem harder too, because for some reason, I just cannot seem to find a "circle" here. I can honestly say that I have met basically no one at my school. Scratch the basically. I guess I have my acquaintances, the people that I talk to in class; small talk, school talk, hey can you help me with my homework talk, but thats it. I haven't went out with anyone from school, I never go to parties, I never go to events, because I feel like I will be a complete part of the "out crowd", because everybody seems to know everybody, except me. College is supposed to be like a "new experience", you are supposed to meet the people that are going to change your life. And, I don't know why it feels like everyone except for me is doing that. I have this routine, I go to school, and come home, no events in between; excluding a couple of school plays here and there, but even thats, its like something my sister and I do, just us...no group of friends to come along. This isn't a pity party by any means, I don't feel sorry for myself, because I have AMAZING friends, they're just placed elsewhere. I just feel like I need to meet some people here if I am ever going to survive this next year and a half.

Wow, this is me, thinking too much.

good thing.

trickery is trying to cover my eyes...

"They say your life is like a yellow brick road, that's nice, mine's like a maze, is there some secret handshake that I do not know 'Cause I stop and ask for help and people tell me different ways..." -Landon Pigg, Trickery.

I like that.


I really need to be studying for my Law final tomorrow...but I am so unmotivated. I'm trying to talk myself out of watching American Beauty and THEN studying...I should probably reverse the two...but, the movie seems much more appealing right now...and maybe drink a beer while watching American Beauty...and THEN study. This is sounding worse as I plan further, ha.

Oh finals.

I wish I had a talent. I was thinking about it today, and thinking about all of my friends, I know some amazing people. Those who play music, those who paint, who write, who are great athletes, those who are incredibly smart, those who act. I mean really, really amazing people. I'm not saying I'm not amazing, nor am I saying I am...but, it would be nice to be really good at something. I dont' know, people always ask if you have any "hidden talents", maybe thats my problem, maybe mine are all hiding from me, who knows.

Anyway, moving on.

I've been watching too many romantic comedies, all the while reading a book filled with cute little relationships, and I really wish I had one of those too. A cute little relationship I mean. Maybe not even a relationship, but just someone to take me out to dinner, or to take me ice skating, or to walk and look at all the pretty Christmas lights with me. I haven't been on a "date" in three years. Holy cow. It might be nice to have a guy around. I don't know.

I really miss my friends a lot. I still don't understand why they all have to be so far away. Even my best friend here lives 45 minutes away. I know there has to be a reason, surely.

Wow, I feel like this was a blog of rambles.

I had such a great time helping my church decorate our Christmas tree tonight! It seemed that none of the lights worked anymore, but we managed to find three sets to fill the tree, and it turned out real pretty!

Also ate some delicious fudge and cake! Peanut butter fudge might be my downfall, haha... it is amazing!

I have got to try and finish my Christmas shopping tomorrow, still haven't got a thing for my sisters. So, tomorrow should be a long shopping day I'm sure.

Anyway, thats all my rambling for the time being.

l.o.v.e.

REAL.

I was talking to one of my new friends, and he was expressing just how frustrated he is with how self-centered so many people have become today. It is so sad that we can't ever really know who to trust anymore, because it seems like no one is REAL anymore. He said he couldn't help but quote Russell Hammond from Almost Famous...

"From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm interested in."

And you know what, I'm going to start living by that quote. Its one of those things that is probably easier said than done, especially when it comes to certain situations. I think about some of the people I have considered my true friends in the past, and I've become so attached to who I thought these people were, which makes it even harder when I realize that they are not those people at all. I hate when things or places change people. Change is good, and change is necessary, but when it comes to friendships and relationships, I can't be one to sit back and say its okay for these "friends" to mistreat you, or mess with your feelings. It just is not fair.

I don't think its okay for people to pretend to be so interested in you, or being part of your life, but when the time comes to really take action, and be that friend, they are just not there. And, in the past, I've noticed when stuff like this happens, there is no good explanation as to why these people decided to "stand you up" or whatever. The sad thing is, most times they don't even notice that there is a problem, or that they have done anything wrong. Its just a really bad position to get yourself caught up in.

I feel like I am a really good person. A REAL person, with REAL feelings. And I am really so sick of being the go-to girl, because I am so much better than that.

Lyssa and I were listening to Sugarland today, and there's a line in their newest single that says, "my mama mapped out the road that she knows, which hands to shake and which hands to hold.." And we've decided that there's really no in between when it comes to friendships. Either you are there, and you feel the comfort in knowing that they are always a hand to hold...or else they might as well just be some stranger walking down the road, a hand shake and a smile, a nod from an acquaintance. I'm starting to realize, if I can't tell the difference between the two when it comes to my circle of friends, then they are probably the hand shakers, not the hand holders. I can't consume myself with those people.

So, here's a toast to all the REAL in the world. May we hold our hands so tight, that the demons of the "self-centered, self-absorbed, posers, and the unsincere" will never break our bonds.